Owning our stories and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we will ever do. More importantly, it frees us to write a new ending….
We are hard-wired for story; it’s built into our survival DNA. It’s the way we make meaning of the world around us.
The stories we tell ourselves have the power to motivate us, transform us and move us to action OR they can limit us, undermine us and close us off to potentials and possibilities.
The stories we tell ourselves are the result of the thousands of interactions and experiences we have had and become the lens through which we interpret the world around us.
The problem is – our “lens” can cloud our interpretation of new events and experiences as they arise. In other words-because our primitive brain is a survival mechanism – its primary objective is to keep us safe, which can skew our interpretation of events and people around us. Our primitive brain sees the outside world as dangerous and people and differences as the enemy, which limits us to new viewpoints and possibilities. Our brain is wired to look for problems and gives “extra-credit” for negative stimuli, and that can lead to misinterpretation.
For example, if we see everyone at work as a potential threat to our safety, we might miss the opportunity to learn something new from them – to consider an alternative reality, a new angle, or another way to view things.
I see this all the time in my work with couples. Each partner becomes so locked into their own story of betrayal or disappointment that they miss the chance to see with compassionate eyes the struggle their partner is going through. They might be convinced that their partner’s over-working is the result of not caring about them when in reality it is driven by the fear that they won’t be able to provide the lifestyle they imagine is expected of them. Or they assume their partner’s lack of interest in sexual intimacy is a result of their interest in someone else- when in reality it is a result of feeling overwhelmed by life’s demands and pressures and more importantly, feeling unappreciated.
Often, in working with individuals, it becomes clear that the stories they tell themselves have limited their ability to achieve their goals. Their “view of self” is inaccurate and over-focused on their inadequacies. Or their fear of failure limits their ability to risk applying for that new job or starting the business they have always wanted to open.
According to Jim Lehr, Director of the Human Performance Institute, “Telling ourselves stories provides structure and direction as we navigate life’s challenges and opportunities, and helps us interpret our goals and skills. Stories make sense of chaos; they organize our many divergent experiences into a coherent thread; they shape our entire reality. And yet,far too many of our stories are dysfunctional, in need of serious editing.”
What stories do you tell yourself that hold you back from living the life you dreamed of?
In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes:
“Owning our stories and loving ourselves in the midst of them is the bravest thing you will ever do”
…and further it allows us to write a new ending. When we are willing to take a risk, or look at the part we played in our failures or disappointments to setbacks, we are provided the opportunity to write a new chapter. When we fall victim to letting others define us or our past mistakes determine the course of our future – we miss the chance to create a more powerful reality.
Reflection Questions
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What is the gap between your “VISION STORY FOR 2016 and where are you now?
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What are the chapters you need to work on to create a new future ending for living the life you desire???
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What stories do you need to quit telling yourself to accomplish your goals and dreams??
IF you’d like to write a new story for yourself in the New Year join me for my new Living Brave Programs in 2016!
Here’s to new beginnings and bold endings!!
Cynthia
We all have one … that dream, that idea that we can’t seem to quite find a way to imagine into being, that trip that we want to take but never seem to find the money to do so. There is that city we’d like to move to- or business we want to start but can’t figure out how to make it a reality. What about those conversations we need to have but don’t quite get around to, or more importantly- the relationship we need to end OR take the risk of starting…
What gets in your way of taking those risks? Of realizing your goals or dreams? Of living a whole-hearted life based on your deepest values and beliefs.
What if you could learn the how to’s of quieting the critical voice that keeps you small? What if you could learn to dare greatly and rise strong in the face of the inevitable setbacks and roadblocks that get in the way of living the life you imagined? I can help you get closer to that dream.
I’ve spent the last two decades helping people step into their fears and create lives of authentic connections, based on their core values, and stepping with courage into meaningful and purpose-driven lives. As an Emotion-focused therapist I have walked with hundreds of people through their stories of struggle and pain and eventual growth and healing and joy. As we walked together into those place of fear and hurt and disappointment, what we discovered is that it is exactly in those places of struggle that our courage is tested, our values are formed and our emerging authentic and truth-filled selves are born.
So, What do these people have in common?
What allows them to show up and be seen with no guarantee of outcome? What are the methods they use to achieve their goals with their integrity intact- leading lives full of love, belonging, creativity and joy.
- The first thing they have learned is to lean into their emotions to discover the message they have to deliver– they no longer move away from deep feelings but also don’t allow their feelings to overwhelm or hijack them. They have learned the critical skill of mindfulness- exploring with curiosity and non-judgment allows them to utilize emotions as the critical source of information they are designed to be. It’s the ability to integrate their emotions with their values and beliefs that allows them to use their emotions as guides- our feelings tell us what our deepest needs and longings are and give us the direction to follow our dreams. When we can see feelings as not right or wrong- good or bad- we can use our emotions to give us critical information about how to move forward toward our goals.
- People who live whole-heartedly also know what their core values are and they use them to make their decisions big and small as they move forward. The men and women who make choices based on their guiding principles keep fear as a secondary response not a primary one. They move forward with faith in their beliefs not their fears. So the next step is to Define Your Core Values: Are they honesty, integrity and faith; or discipline, hard work & determination? Maybe they are family, love and compassion or intelligence, education and striving for excellence. Pick your top 3 values and write them in a place you will see them on a daily basis- think of them as your guiding principles when making each and every decision and then discover where that leads you. I promise in a year your life will look different- sometimes really different.
- The third thing these people have in common is they practice self-compassion. They have learned to see themselves not as perfect, but as worthy of love and belonging and living their dreams. When they are afraid they don’t beat themselves up about it – they comfort themselves. They have developed mantras and practice positive self-talk. They engage in soothing rituals of self-care. They have spiritual practices which keep them grounded- whether that’s meditation or prayer or walks in the woods- they know how to get connected to something bigger than themselves. They see fear as a natural human response that will accompany most unchartered territory. They normalize it and keep from catastrophizing with it.
- The final characteristic they have in common is that they develop close relationships and support networks. They have compassionate and caring friends, family member, therapists, coaches and support groups that help them through the rough periods that are bound to come. They aren’t afraid to show their vulnerability to a trusted circle and use these supporters to keep them grounded and on the path toward their goals.
I have learned as much from my clients as they have from me. Together we have walked the dark night of the soul and what we discovered is the tenacity of the human spirit. The strength that comes from walking alongside your fear with your values close at hand, guiding the way into a purpose-driven life. We have discovered what it means to fully show up in our lives- to be brave- to lean into vulnerability and rumble with the challenges that come with living an authentic and daring life.
When I focus on my values of integrity and authenticity, honesty and compassion, I can make decisions based on my courage, not my fear.
I know that those feelings of uncertainty and doubt will sit right alongside me as I move forward in the world- but when I make my choices based on my values and then make the courageous decision to act out of those values- my world comes together – there’s a sense of integration and a settling I feel deep in my core- and I know I’m on the right path.
Click HERE to learn more about Living Brave.
I couldn’t have been more excited if my heartthrob George Clooney was coming to town…
My mentor and colleague, Dr. Brené Brown, came here to Seattle to speak! On the heels of her new book, Rising Strong, she took Town Hall Seattle by storm. Tickets sold out within an hour of going on sale.
Apparently I wasn’t the only one swooning!
And who can blame us?
In her previous bestseller, Daring Greatly, Brené showed us how to be all in, fully authentic, and become our truest selves. In Rising Strong, she brings down the house with the one thing no one seems to talk about – rising strong after each and every stumble, failure, and broken heart that happens along the way.
I was lucky enough to get an advance copy as one of her Daring Way Certified Facilitators. I devoured it with the excitement of a Twilight fangirl, and it did not disappoint.
I found page after page chock full of potent tidbits that just speak to my very core.
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