Talking Sex: Building a Lifelong, Passionate Marriage

According to Sue Johnson in her latest book, Love Sense, the number one complaint that couples report when seeking therapeutic help from a couples therapist is problems in their sexual relationship.

So what does it take to build a lifelong passionate marriage??

It takes a quality of emotional safety and intimacy to create a lifelong passionate love affair.

“Problems in the bedroom don’t stem from sex at all, but rather from the lack of emotional intimacy…

It is emotion- the quality of our connection to another person that defines the type of sex we have, the satisfaction we drive from it and the impact it has on our romantic relationships”

– Sue Johnson

There are a number of current cultural myths perpetuated by the media…

  • We have to be beautiful or strong and sexy to have great sex – We all pale by comparison to the Brad Pitt’s and Jolie’s of the world… but that doesn’t create great sex.
  • Good sex doesn’t take practice or conversation… it’s supposed to just happen – Think of the image of the ice skaters in the Olympics – the synchronisity, the exquisite way they match each other’s moves. That took A LOT of practice, and failed attempts, and conversation.
  • Satisfying sexual encounters always lead to an amazing orgasmic experience – We need to broaden our definition of a sexual experience to include just skin on skin holding and exploration and pleasure.

Bonus tip: Instead of asking your partner, “Do you want to have sex?” ask them, “Would you like to be close and feel pleasured?” Now that’s a great invitation!

Many behavioral sex therapists will focus on behaviors… but here’s the kicker:

The sexual experience is an emotional connector, NOT just a sensation driven opportunity for orgasm. Therefore it takes 3 things…

Ready to hear what they are? Then listen in below as Joseph Losi and I are interviewed on Sue Lundquist’s show, The Gratitude Cafe:

Need some help making it happen in your marriage? Check out our Hold Me Tight Seattle couples workshops where we dive deep into putting these principles into practice in your relationship in a deeply experiential weekend.

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Realizing a Dream – Creating a Safe Place to Challenge Ourselves and Live Brave

What does it feel like when a Dream Comes True?

Last Sunday as I lay in Shivasana  in the barn at Willow Pond Lodge on Whidbey Island looking out at the blue sky and cherry blossomed treetops, I was overcome with a wash of gratitude so deep it made my toes tingle. It was the third and final day of my first Living Brave Island Retreat.

Leading a group of women through the work of Brené Brown and her Daring Greatly™ and Rising Strong™ curriculum was the culmination of 5 years of hard work, multiple trainings, lots of practice, detailed planning and a boatload of hopeful dreaming. And my vision of leading a weekend retreat was unfolding in the most lovely, perfectly- imperfect and  inspiring way that I felt awed and thrilled and deeply centered and overwhelmingly grateful at the same time.

This Brave group of women came to the Island to learn about what it means to live an authentic and whole-hearted life, one where they could go after their dreams and goals and still stay true to their values and integrity. A life where they could turn their disappointments and failures into fodder for growth and a recipe for new beginnings.

They shared their stories with one another in such vulnerable and compassionately tender ways. It humbled me and broke my heart open.

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Owning our Stories and Loving Ourselves

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Owning our stories and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we will ever do. More importantly, it frees us to write a new ending….

We are hard-wired for story; it’s built into our survival DNA. It’s the way we make meaning of the world around us.

The stories we tell ourselves have the power to motivate us, transform us and move us to action OR they can limit us, undermine us and close us off to potentials and possibilities.

The stories we tell ourselves are the result of the thousands of interactions and experiences we have had and become the lens through which we interpret the world around us.

The problem is – our “lens” can cloud our interpretation of new events and experiences as they arise. In other words-because our primitive brain is a survival mechanism – its primary objective is to keep us safe, which can skew our interpretation of events and people around us. Our primitive brain sees the outside world as dangerous and people and differences as the enemy, which limits us to new viewpoints and possibilities. Our brain is wired to look for problems and gives “extra-credit” for negative stimuli, and that can lead to misinterpretation.

For example, if we see everyone at work as a potential threat to our safety, we might miss the opportunity to learn something new from them – to consider an alternative reality, a new angle, or another way to view things.

I see this all the time in my work with couples. Each partner becomes so locked into their own story of betrayal or disappointment that they miss the chance to see with compassionate eyes the struggle their partner is going through. They might be convinced that their partner’s over-working is the result of not caring about them when in reality it is driven by the fear that they won’t be able to provide the lifestyle they imagine is expected of them. Or they assume their partner’s lack of interest in sexual intimacy is a result of their interest in someone else- when in reality it is a result of feeling overwhelmed by life’s demands and pressures and more importantly, feeling unappreciated.

Often, in working with individuals, it becomes clear that the stories they tell themselves have limited their ability to achieve their goals. Their “view of self” is inaccurate and over-focused on their inadequacies. Or their fear of failure limits their ability to risk applying for that new job or starting the business they have always wanted to open.

According to Jim Lehr, Director of the Human Performance Institute, “Telling ourselves stories provides structure and direction as we navigate life’s challenges and opportunities, and helps us interpret our goals and skills. Stories make sense of chaos; they organize our many divergent experiences into a coherent thread; they shape our entire reality. And yet,far too many of our stories are dysfunctional, in need of serious editing.”

What stories do you tell yourself that hold you back from living the life you dreamed of?

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes:

“Owning our stories and loving ourselves in the midst of them is the bravest thing you will ever do”

…and further it allows us to write a new ending. When we are willing to take a risk, or look at the part we played in our failures or disappointments to setbacks, we are provided the opportunity to write a new chapter. When we fall victim to letting others define us or our past mistakes determine the course of our future – we miss the chance to create a more powerful reality.

Reflection Questions

  1. What is the gap between your “VISION STORY FOR 2016 and where are you now?
  2. What are the chapters you need to work on to create a new future ending for living the life you desire???
  3. What stories do you need to quit telling yourself to accomplish your goals and dreams??

IF you’d like to write a new story for yourself in the New Year join me for my new Living Brave Programs in 2016!

Here’s to new beginnings and bold endings!!

Cynthia

 

A return to hope

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As the Winter Solstice has arrived, it is a time to consider yin and yang, darkness and light – and the exquisite balance that exists between all things. After weeks of shortening days, we have been affected in a number of ways by the scarcity of light and the growing darkness. Though we may have experienced sadness or slowness as a result of this winter season, we must also remember that the darkness is necessary in order to experience light.

Many of us gather with our friends, family and loved ones, and no matter what tradition we observe for this holiday season, we begin to create our own light – the light of the love we feel for those we care the most about. It’s also a time for remembering those we love that are not with us- those who are separated from us by miles or death or simply the loss of relationship.

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There can be no growth without the journey – it is in the darkness of winter that the seeds, resting deep within the earth, are summoning their strength to emerge in the spring. The Winter Solstice is a time to celebrate the beauty of the dark, as well as a renewed hope for the future.

“The Solstice is a time of quietude, of firelight, and dreaming, when seeds germinate in the cold earth, and the cold notes of church bells mingle with the chimes of icicles. Rivers are stilled and the land lies waiting beneath a coverlet of snow. We watch the cold sunlight and the bright stars, maybe go for walks in the quiet land. . . . All around us the season seems to reach a standstill — a point of repose.”

–John Matthews

Joyce Rupp and Macrina Wiederkehr give voice to the feelings of Solstice in The Circle of Life:

“There is a tendency to want to hurry from autumn to spring, to avoid the long dark days that winter brings. Many people do not like constant days bereft of light and months filled with colder temperatures. They struggle with the bleakness of land and the emptiness of trees. Their eyes and hearts seek color. Their spirits tire of tasting the endless gray skies. There is great rejoicing in the thought that light and warmth will soon be filling more and more of each new day.

 

“But winter darkness has a positive side to it. As we gather to celebrate the first turn from winter to spring, we are invited to recognize and honor the beauty in the often unwanted season of winter. Let us invite our hearts to be glad for the courage winter proclaims. Let us be grateful for the wisdom winter brings in teaching us about the need for withdrawal as an essential part of renewal. Let us also encourage our spirits as Earth prepares to come forth from this time of withdrawal into a season filled with light.

 

“The winter solstice celebrates the return of hope to our land as our planet experiences the first slow turn toward greater daylight. Soon we will welcome the return of the sun and the coming of springtime. As we do so, let us remember and embrace the positive, enriching aspects of winter’s darkness. Pause now to sit in silence in the darkness of this space. Let this space be a safe enclosure of creative gestation for you.”

Here are some practices and activities that may facilitate celebration of this time of darkness and light:

Letting go, deeply

Sometimes we struggle with hanging on to anger, fear, sadness – darkness – from day to day, so it can be helpful to establish a ritual of release to take place at the closing of each day. This gives us the opportunity to have a fresh start with each morning light, uncluttered by the events and emotions of the past (though we give our deepest gratitude to everything in our lives, good and bad). Here’s how:

Choose two containers – these may be small or large, glass or plastic or wood. Gather a pile of small objects – pebbles, grains of rice, marbles – again, whatever resonates with you. Place them in one of the containers.

Each night, you will take one of the objects from your full jar.

The object represents your day. Imbue it with your day that you just lived. What happened today? How do you feel? Think about the hours and minutes you’ve been given, and the intention you’ve set for them.

Then, say aloud, with the object on your palm:

This is my day.
It was perfect in its imperfection.
I thank this day for being.
And I let go of it, fully, and release it to rest for what tomorrow will bring

 

Forest Bath

Trees are healers. A walk in the winter forest is a wonderful way to quiet your soul and connect to your deepest truth. A walk in the forest is recognized by the Japanese government as a means of improving quality of life. It is called “shinrin-yoku”, which means forest bathing.

How to take a forest bath: Find a forest. Walk. Breathe. Listen to the silence and cleanse your thoughts from worry and despair. Then listen for that still quiet voice that is your inner wisdom- let that guide you.

 

–adapted from Lucia Journal, issue #1 (Inspiration)

Morning Pages

Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning. *There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages*– they are not high art. They are not even “writing.” They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind– and they are for your eyes only. Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize and synchronize the day at hand. Do not over-think Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page…and then do three more pages tomorrow.

–from Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way

What are the practices you use to bring clarity and calm to your winter storms and to prepare for what the future will bring?

 

I am grateful for this process

As I created my “list of gratitudes” this past Thanksgiving I was reminded of how grateful I am for the gift of this work and the amazing people I have the privilege of walking alongside. I wanted to share a unique experience I had this fall with all of you.

It was the week before our Hold Me Tight™ Workshop in Seattle and my colleague and co-presenter Joseph Losi and I received an email from one of our participants telling us she was planning to ask for a divorce during the workshop. We called each other right away to discuss how best to handle this.

We conferred. We disagreed. We talked some more. We shared our fears and concerns with one another. We “worked our EFT process”, playing out all the possible scenarios and sharing our concerns and needs with each other as it related to this situation.

Of course, we’ve had couples before who were teetering on the edge of divorce. In fact 3 –days before our first workshop a couple called to cancel because they had decided to split up. A day later they phoned to say they would try this “one more thing.” Naturally this made us nervous, but happily they went home with a new understanding of each other and a roadmap for how to heal their broken relationship. And we went home with newfound confidence and gratitude for the Hold Me Tight™ process!

But it doesn’t always end on a happy note. We have had a few couples that couldn’t break through the pain and cycle, and this caused disappointment all around.

Before the workshop, we always send out questionnaires to screen for potential problems. We have a statement on our website that clearly states that this workshop is not a substitute for couples therapy and is not appropriate for couples in crisis or dealing with alcohol/drug or physical abuse.

And yet, we have found, you can’t always screen for who comes in the door. And often the couples we were most worried about make the most progress.

However, we knew we had a responsibility to the others in the group and it was a dilemma. We were worried about this couple and we were worried about their impact on the group dynamics.

We decided to write an email outlining the reasons we didn’t believe this was the best forum for them at this moment in their relationship, and offered to fully refund their fee as well as to help them find an EFT therapist. Thankfully the woman wrote back grateful for our thoughtful response and letting us know they planned to come to Seattle anyway as airline tickets and hotels were already purchased.

She asked if we could refer them to a good couples therapist for Friday. I had planned to take the day off for some self-care before the workshop, but something in me couldn’t let it go- and I decided to offer them an afternoon intensive on Friday.

As I began to outline our theory of attachment- explain the demon dialogues and underlying attachment needs, and the ways that couples often get stuck- a new understanding began to emerge for both of them.

They began to see themselves in the demon dialogue of attack and defend: they could see how she over-functioned from anxiety and he under-functioned and pulled away to protect himself from failure. They uncovered an attachment wound that happened on their honeymoon and were able to re-process what that had been like for both of them.

When the 4-hour intensive was over she told me she had a funny question to ask me. I knew what it was. Could they still attend the workshop?

Of course- they had de-escalated and they were fully prepared to begin the work of repair and join the group.

As the weekend progressed, I watched them move closer and risk with one another, hold hands and cry, and I knew they were on the way to a new relationship — one based on secure attachment and authentic connection.

We all risked a lot in this encounter. We reached for each other, and there was a solid evidenced-based and scientifically proven process of Emotion Focused Therapy to repair what was broken. I am so grateful for this work, grateful for this process, and those who developed it as well as my colleague Joseph, who shares it with me and those we serve.

And I am grateful to all of you who do this work in the world – it is important and life-changing!

And for that I am grateful!

Rising Strong When We Fall with Brené Brown

FB-rising-strong-review-01I couldn’t have been more excited if my heartthrob George Clooney was coming to town…

My mentor and colleague, Dr. Brené Brown, came here to Seattle to speak! On the heels of her new book, Rising Strong, she took Town Hall Seattle by storm. Tickets sold out within an hour of going on sale.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one swooning!

And who can blame us?

In her previous bestseller, Daring Greatly, Brené showed us how to be all in, fully authentic, and become our truest selves. In Rising Strong, she brings down the house with the one thing no one seems to talk about – rising strong after each and every stumble, failure, and broken heart that happens along the way.

I was lucky enough to get an advance copy as one of her Daring Way Certified Facilitators. I devoured it with the excitement of a Twilight fangirl, and it did not disappoint.

I found page after page chock full of potent tidbits that just speak to my very core.

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Meet Cynthia Benge

A therapist for over 20 years, I guide people from their own “stuck” places to a life full of adventure, meaning and satisfying relationships.

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